He rolled down the windows of his car, letting in the April evening air take me over. His scent mingled and danced with the smells of the city. He was taking me over, over coming all that I am. I feel my hands shake as I try so hard to release the seat belt. He pulled up to 3435 and I resisted his eyes and stared in the side mirror. How can I feel so consumed, so unsure but feel so right. I can’t muster up the right words or the guts to tell him the truth. My lips spill “We just aren’t going to work out..” The second it flowed from my lips, the regret consumed me. I felt my heart fall and my stomach sink to the pavement. We avoid conversation knowing it will end this moment, this night. We avoid unbuckling, opening the door and stepping out. His hands grip the stirring wheel, his foot taps nervously causing the car to shake. I felt his nerves, I felt him hurting, I hate myself right now. All I want is to reach over and grab his arm, laugh and smile again. He reaches for my hands in my lap and I pull them. Why do I have to be so scared? so cold? Why do I have to push him away? Being vulnerable is not my thing, it’s not something I can do. But I want him, I want to tell him, I want to say it and mean it. I want to keep him, I want his arms around me. I want him to wipe my tears and scare away the pain. Why can’t I say the right words to keep you, to get you to stay? Why am I always telling you no when I want yes…?